You are in an unhappy marriage, and you are thinking about possibilities. On today’s podcast, I’d like to open up the issues involved in making such an important decision.
Just how do people decide: “The feeling’s gone, and I just can’t get it back” ?
Marriage is the work of love, and “the field of intimacy” during marriage is an experience like nothing else. The person who can uplift you most can bring you down the most.
In Part 1 of this discussion, I will talk about “repetition compulsion.” Are we unconsciously looking for someone in marriage to fill a hole from an old childhood pattern? This issue can be a big part of a mistaken marriage.
Have you done the work on yourself? Have you taken the time to get individual therapy or counseling?
To look at the issues you may be bringing to the table?
Yes, time ticks. But have you asked yourself, “Did I step up in this moment?”
Making your marriage better is the best thing you can do for your children. But if you have tried, and you truly cannot save your marriage, then provide your children with an intelligent divorce. This is your job, if you decide to go.
When we get to these moments, my prescription is to step up.
- I am “pro children” and “pro marriage”
- Staying or leaving is a deeply personal decision
- The person you love the most, can hurt you the most
- Have you worked on yourself?
- If you decide to go, an intelligent divorce is your job
When it works well, marriage and family life is fantastic. But what happens when marriage goes awry? What happens when nice people turn into warring couples?
What happens when people feel so angry and betrayed, that winning becomes more important than anything else?
Parents and children going through divorce are at risk. From my point of view as a child psychiatrist, divorce is a public health issue.
What happens if you are driving, you hit a patch of ice, and go into a skid? If you haven’t been trained, you could make the mistake of turning away from the skid, and sending your car, and passengers, into a spin.
Just like with driving, if you are trained in handling a divorce, you can prevent mistakes before you make them. If you have the right tools, you can get through divorce more safely. Managing a divorce requires intelligence, discipline and knowledge.
- Divorce is a public health issue
- You can prevent mistakes
- With training, you can get through divorce more safely
In this week’s podcast, I will talk about why this is called The Intelligent Divorce. The mistakes people make in divorce are fairly predictable – and they can be corrected. If you are going through a divorce, or you have an adult child, sibling, or friend going through a divorce – if you see things going wrong, what can you do?
I will introduce you to the idea of the intergenerational boundary. Protecting this boundary is one of the most important things you can do to help children going through divorce. You will hear the example of Janice and Sam, and how preventing just one mistake can make a huge difference for Sam!
I will also talk about the very different roles and experiences of the “leaver” and the “leave-ee” in a divorce.
Parents lose their center, and they get overwhelmed and regressive during divorce. Do you care about winning more than you care about the future of your children? Children require innocence, and it is our responsibility to give them this gift, even during divorce. Divorcing intelligently can make this possible! We can learn how to step up, when it is truly necessary and productive.
- The intergenerational boundary must be protected
- Every divorce has a “leaver” and a “leave-ee”
- During divorce parents regress
- Children require innocence
I’m a child psychiatrist, author of The Intelligent Divorce books series, and a regular contributor to Psychology Today. As an expert witness in court, doing many custody evaluations with both children and parents, I have seen all the hazards of divorce, and what can go wrong.
I also saw that the system for divorce is broken. Parents and children often do not get the support they need. Many “players” in a divorce are not necessarily productive.
It doesn’t have to be that way. You can raise healthy kids despite a divorce. The key is to bend the odds in their favor. In this podcast, I talk about how this is possible. How to divorce intelligently.
I also talk about how to deal effectively with your ex-spouse.
This podcast is for parents with children who are going through divorce. And their family, friends, co-workers, clergy, attorneys, and other professionals who may be involved.